• “Porozmawiajmy o czymś przyjemniejszym”, czyli nieporadnik rysunkowy

    Wiecie jak to jest. Żyjemy w przekonaniu, że wszystko będzie zawsze tak samo. Dzieci będą małe, koty będą wskakiwać na parapet, codziennie będziemy wstawać rano do pracy, nienawidzieć poniedziałków, będziemy snuć domysły, czy czeka nas jakaś nowa miłość, coś lepszego, coś smaczniejszego, coś bardziej ekscytującego, aż któregoś dnia…

    Pierwsze symptomy są nieznaczne: kace trwają dłużej niż zazwyczaj, każda dodatkowa lub późnonocna aktywność wymaga potem większego nakładu snu i odpoczynku, siły słabną wolno, ale konsekwentnie. Coraz bardziej atrakcyjna wydaje się zwykła cisza. Entuzjazm staje się towarem tak deficytowym jak szynka w PRL-u. Nadchodzi wiek i czas, kiedy zaczynamy uświadamiać sobie własną śmiertelność, skończoność, jakiś termin przydatności, ale nie wiadomo jaki.

    Ale póki co ten temat nadal nie istnieje, nie jest modny i nie mieści się w trendzie stay positive.

    Mnie czasem nachodzą takie myśli, zupełnie jakby znienacka, ale kiedyś przecież nie przyszłyby mi do głowy, o tym co się stanie z milionem moich zdjęć w chmurach googla, czy appla, czy facebooka, co w kontami społecznościowymi i bankowymi, czy ktoś usunie ten mój ślad na serwerach i zrobi miejsce kolejnym? Kto się tym zajmie, czy mam dużo rzeczy w domu? Kto się nimi zajmie? Tu już jakiś czas temu wpadłam na pomysł, że mam wszystkiego za dużo. Od jakichś 3 lat używam tylko tego co mi jest potrzebne, więc mój ślad węglowy nie powinien być mega kłopotliwy dla tych, co jeszcze będą żyli, kiedy ja już nie. Czasem dobrze niemalże nic nie mieć.

    I o tym między innymi jest właśnie komiks rysowniczki New Yorkera Roz Chast „Porozmawiajmy o czymś przyjemniejszym”: o porządkowaniu rzeczy,  jest rozmową z nami o tym, co udajemy, że nas nie dotyczy, co postrzegamy jako nieprzyjemne, dołujące i coś co zdarza się tylko innym, czyli o starości i o śmierci.

    To ciekawe, że powstał szereg bardzo mocnych i przejmujących utworów na temat rozliczeń z dzieciństwem, rodziną, rodzicami. I ciekawe, że rozliczenie to odbyło się w komiksowej formie, tak jakby niepoważna forma obrazka pozwoliła zaprzęgnąć w narrację poczucie humoru, a tym samym oswoić trudne, często traumatyczne przeżycia. Rozprawiali się z tymi tematami Wanda Hagendorn w „Totalnej nienostalgii” , Wojtek Wawszczyk w „Panu Żarówce”, Manu Larcenet w „Codziennej walce”, o czym pisałam. To są mocne komiksowe dzieła, tak zwane rozliczeniowe, które w bezpretensjonalny, ale wielce sugestywny sposób unaoczniają nam też nasze własne zaprzeszłe echa emocji, które być może my chowamy w szafie jak trupy.

    Roz Chast próbuje tym razem wydobyć na wierzch coś więcej, nie tylko rozrachunek z rodzicami, chce pokazać, czym jest starość, umieranie i porządkowanie rzeczy po tych co odeszli, bez smrodku patosu, łez, oskarżeń czy fałszywych egzaltacji.

    Niezależnie od dawki czarnego humoru jaką Chast zawarła w tym komiksie, nie jest to lektura łatwa ani przyjemna.

    Autorka rysuje, opisuje ostatnie lata życia swoich rodziców, którzy żyli długo, bo ponad 90 lat i z tego opisu nie wyłania się idylliczny obrazek, na którym prawie stuletnim dziadziom wnuczęta przynoszą torty z imponującymi cyframi zatkniętymi w lukier. Nie ma tu też martyrologii. Jest za to dużo ludzkiego zmagania z poczuciem winy Chast jako córki oraz wyrazista refleksja, że tak jak koszt życia bywa dość wysoki, tak zaprawdę powiadam wam, starość i umieranie to są koszty wręcz niebotyczne. Moment, w którym Chast obserwuje powolne gaśnięcie 97 letniej matki i z prędkością światła topniejące środki na utrzymanie opiekunek, pielęgniarek, hospicjów, domów starców, pieluchomajtek, lekarstw itd. – jest najbardziej koszmarnym momentem w trakcie lektury, bo odziera czytelnika w sposób prosty i bezpretensjonalny z mniemania, że jego życie jest takie strasznie wyjątkowe i cenne i pełne godności. Otóż prawda jest taka, że nie jest.
    Brzmi to szaleńczo i obrazoburczo, bo w trakcie życia trudno nam się godzić z myślą, że niewiele w gruncie rzeczy znaczymy. Wydaje nam się, owszem, że nasza egzystencja jest wyjątkowa, jesteśmy nie do zastąpienia i ogólnie dusze towarzystwa z nas, ale w istocie nie jest to prawdą. Okazujemy się nieprzydatni, nawet socjalnie, towarzysko – jesteśmy obiektami, na widok których młodsi ludzie odwracają wzrok i dyskutują na przyjemniejsze tematy, i jesteśmy obiektami, które po prostu dużo kosztują, nie tylko pieniędzy.

    Dlatego komiks Chast jest trudny. Porusza w nas struny, które  chcemy pozostawiać w uśpieniu. Nie grają one w orkiestrze codzienności, nie wspomnę o solówkach. Ciężko godzić się z faktem, że bardzo brzydko znikamy.

    Znamienny w komiksie był fragment, kiedy Roz namówiła rodziców, aby przenieśli się do domu opieki. Byli przekonani, że kiedyś wrócą jeszcze do swojego zagraconego mieszkania na Brooklynie, ale okazało się, że wyszli z niego i nigdy potem już nie wrócili. A wyszli każde z jedną małą walizką, z rzeczami niezbędnymi do bycia w nowym miejscu. Okazało się, że wszystko co nagromadzili w ciągu życia, blendery z lat 50 tych, książeczki czekowe z lat 60, zeszyty dziecka z podstawówki, pokrywki do słoików itd itpt. nie okazały się tak niezbędne jak przypuszczali. Ja osobiście nie jestem zbieraczem, ale ten obrazek na pewno dobrze ilustruje nasz ogólnoludzki pęd do gromadzenia, posiadania. Ale nikt nie wie po co gromadzi i co z tego wynika prócz zagracania i kłopotów dla spadkobierców.

    Dość istotny moim zdaniem jest też tu wątek o stosunkach jedynaczki Roz z jej rodzicami. Otóż bez zbędnego mizdrzenia się autorka pokazuje, że nie jest oczywiste, że dzieci i rodzice się lubią. Chast nie ukrywała, że jej największym marzeniem była wyprowadzka z domu apodyktycznej matki, której się bała i ojca pantoflarza, a potem opieka nad nimi nie czyniła z niej w jej mniemaniu gwiazdy miłosierdzia, była to zwyczajna droga przez mękę z ludźmi, którzy najbardziej lubili być sami we dwoje, mieli dziwactwa i oczywiście zawsze wszystko wiedzieli lepiej, nawet, kiedy topniał ich umysł. Ale swoje przemyślenia na temat tych urazów, niespełnień, pretensji Chast podaje lekko, w sposób lekko przyswajalny.

    Podsumowując – jest to bardzo życiowy – sic! – komiks, o tym, że wyrugowana  z życia popkultury śmierć jest jego nieodłączną i szalenie trudną częścią, tak samo przemijanie, odchodzenie i gaśnięcie, i że właściwie w całym tym kontekście śmierć bywa naprawdę wybawieniem. Jest podanym z wielką klasą rozrachunkiem z trudnym dorastaniem i trudnymi rodzicami, z poczuciem nie bycia kochanym i rozumianym tak jak by się chciało, ale mimo tego z ogromnym zrozumieniem dla odchodzenia w niebyt bliskich z mocnym podkreśleniem na czerwono, że nie jest to kurwa łatwe. Dla żadnej ze stron, ani tej, która ma odejść, ani tej, która jeszcze zostaje.

    Myślę, że gdyby ktoś po lekturze komiksu zechciał napisać testament – to wcale nie byłby taki głupi pomysł, a w nim zapytanie, czy odpowiedzi na pytania po co się żyło, jak się zyło, po co coś się robilo, pozostawiać do rozwikłania potomnym i czy nie lepiej rozliczać się z tym każdego dnia.

  • Integer malesuada commodo nulla

    From the fame and memory of him that begot me I have learned both shamefastness and manlike behaviour. Of my mother I have learned to be religious, and bountiful; and to forbear, not only to do, but to intend any evil; to content myself with a spare diet, and to fly all such excess as is incidental to great wealth. Of my great-grandfather, both to frequent public schools and auditories, and to get me good and able teachers at home; and that I ought not to think much, if upon such occasions, I were at excessive charges.

    Let nothing be done rashly, and at random, but all things according to the most exact and perfect rules of art.

    Let opinion be taken away, and no man will think himself wronged. If no man shall think himself wronged, then is there no more any such thing as wrong. That which makes not man himself the worse, cannot make his life the worse, neither can it hurt him either inwardly or outwardly. It was expedient in nature that it should be so, and therefore necessary. Is any man so foolish as to fear change, to which all things that once were not owe their being? And what is it, that is more pleasing and more familiar to the nature of the universe? How couldst thou thyself use thy ordinary hot baths, should not the wood that heateth them first be changed? How couldst thou receive any nourishment from those things that thou hast eaten, if they should not be changed? Can anything else almost (that is useful and profitable) be brought to pass without change? How then dost not thou perceive, that for thee also, by death, to come to change, is a thing of the very same nature, and as necessary for the nature of the universe?

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  • Aliquam tincidunt mauris eu risus

    From the fame and memory of him that begot me I have learned both shamefastness and manlike behaviour. Of my mother I have learned to be religious, and bountiful; and to forbear, not only to do, but to intend any evil; to content myself with a spare diet, and to fly all such excess as is incidental to great wealth. Of my great-grandfather, both to frequent public schools and auditories, and to get me good and able teachers at home; and that I ought not to think much, if upon such occasions, I were at excessive charges.

    Read More
  • Vivamus vestibulum nulla nec ante

    From the fame and memory of him that begot me I have learned both shamefastness and manlike behaviour. Of my mother I have learned to be religious, and bountiful; and to forbear, not only to do, but to intend any evil; to content myself with a spare diet, and to fly all such excess as is incidental to great wealth. Of my great-grandfather, both to frequent public schools and auditories, and to get me good and able teachers at home; and that I ought not to think much, if upon such occasions, I were at excessive charges.

    Let nothing be done rashly, and at random, but all things according to the most exact and perfect rules of art.

    Let opinion be taken away, and no man will think himself wronged. If no man shall think himself wronged, then is there no more any such thing as wrong. That which makes not man himself the worse, cannot make his life the worse, neither can it hurt him either inwardly or outwardly. It was expedient in nature that it should be so, and therefore necessary. Is any man so foolish as to fear change, to which all things that once were not owe their being? And what is it, that is more pleasing and more familiar to the nature of the universe? How couldst thou thyself use thy ordinary hot baths, should not the wood that heateth them first be changed? How couldst thou receive any nourishment from those things that thou hast eaten, if they should not be changed? Can anything else almost (that is useful and profitable) be brought to pass without change? How then dost not thou perceive, that for thee also, by death, to come to change, is a thing of the very same nature, and as necessary for the nature of the universe?

    Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness – all of them due to the offenders’ ignorance of what is good or evil.

    When you arise in the morning think of what a which today arm you against the present. I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinions of himself than on the opinions of others. Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness – all of them due to the offenders’ ignorance of what is good or evil. Perfection of character is this: to live each day as if it were your last, without frenzy, without apathy, without pretence. The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts: therefore, guard accordingly, and take care that you entertain no notions unsuitable to virtue and reasonable nature.

    Behold and observe, what is the state of their rational part; and those that the world doth account wise, see what things they fly and are afraid of; and what things they hunt after.

    What those things are in themselves, which by the greatest part are esteemed good, thou mayest gather even from this. For if a man shall hear things mentioned as good, which are really good indeed, such as are prudence, temperance, justice, fortitude, after so much heard and conceived, he cannot endure to hear of any more, for the word good is properly spoken of them. But as for those which by the vulgar are esteemed good, if he shall hear them mentioned as good, he doth hearken for more. He is well contented to hear, that what is spoken by the comedian, is but familiarly and popularly spoken, so that even the vulgar apprehend the difference. For why is it else, that this offends not and needs not to be excused, when virtues are styled good: but that which is spoken in commendation of wealth, pleasure, or honour, we entertain it only as merrily and pleasantly spoken? Proceed therefore, and inquire further, whether it may not be that those things also which being mentioned upon the stage were merrily, and with great applause of the multitude, scoffed at with this jest, that they that possessed them had not in all the world of their own. Whether, I say, those ought not also in very deed to be much respected, and esteemed of, as the only things that are truly good.

  • Praesent placerat risus quis eros

    From the fame and memory of him that begot me I have learned both shamefastness and manlike behaviour. Of my mother I have learned to be religious, and bountiful; and to forbear, not only to do, but to intend any evil; to content myself with a spare diet, and to fly all such excess as is incidental to great wealth. Of my great-grandfather, both to frequent public schools and auditories, and to get me good and able teachers at home; and that I ought not to think much, if upon such occasions, I were at excessive charges.

    Let nothing be done rashly, and at random, but all things according to the most exact and perfect rules of art.

    Let opinion be taken away, and no man will think himself wronged. If no man shall think himself wronged, then is there no more any such thing as wrong. That which makes not man himself the worse, cannot make his life the worse, neither can it hurt him either inwardly or outwardly. It was expedient in nature that it should be so, and therefore necessary. Is any man so foolish as to fear change, to which all things that once were not owe their being? And what is it, that is more pleasing and more familiar to the nature of the universe? How couldst thou thyself use thy ordinary hot baths, should not the wood that heateth them first be changed? How couldst thou receive any nourishment from those things that thou hast eaten, if they should not be changed? Can anything else almost (that is useful and profitable) be brought to pass without change? How then dost not thou perceive, that for thee also, by death, to come to change, is a thing of the very same nature, and as necessary for the nature of the universe?

    Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness – all of them due to the offenders’ ignorance of what is good or evil.

    When you arise in the morning think of what a which today arm you against the present. I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinions of himself than on the opinions of others. Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness – all of them due to the offenders’ ignorance of what is good or evil. Perfection of character is this: to live each day as if it were your last, without frenzy, without apathy, without pretence. The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts: therefore, guard accordingly, and take care that you entertain no notions unsuitable to virtue and reasonable nature.

    Behold and observe, what is the state of their rational part; and those that the world doth account wise, see what things they fly and are afraid of; and what things they hunt after.

    What those things are in themselves, which by the greatest part are esteemed good, thou mayest gather even from this. For if a man shall hear things mentioned as good, which are really good indeed, such as are prudence, temperance, justice, fortitude, after so much heard and conceived, he cannot endure to hear of any more, for the word good is properly spoken of them. But as for those which by the vulgar are esteemed good, if he shall hear them mentioned as good, he doth hearken for more. He is well contented to hear, that what is spoken by the comedian, is but familiarly and popularly spoken, so that even the vulgar apprehend the difference. For why is it else, that this offends not and needs not to be excused, when virtues are styled good: but that which is spoken in commendation of wealth, pleasure, or honour, we entertain it only as merrily and pleasantly spoken? Proceed therefore, and inquire further, whether it may not be that those things also which being mentioned upon the stage were merrily, and with great applause of the multitude, scoffed at with this jest, that they that possessed them had not in all the world of their own. Whether, I say, those ought not also in very deed to be much respected, and esteemed of, as the only things that are truly good.

  • Vestibulum commodo felis quis tortor

    From the fame and memory of him that begot me I have learned both shamefastness and manlike behaviour. Of my mother I have learned to be religious, and bountiful; and to forbear, not only to do, but to intend any evil; to content myself with a spare diet, and to fly all such excess as is incidental to great wealth. Of my great-grandfather, both to frequent public schools and auditories, and to get me good and able teachers at home; and that I ought not to think much, if upon such occasions, I were at excessive charges.

    Let nothing be done rashly, and at random, but all things according to the most exact and perfect rules of art.

    Let opinion be taken away, and no man will think himself wronged. If no man shall think himself wronged, then is there no more any such thing as wrong. That which makes not man himself the worse, cannot make his life the worse, neither can it hurt him either inwardly or outwardly. It was expedient in nature that it should be so, and therefore necessary. Is any man so foolish as to fear change, to which all things that once were not owe their being? And what is it, that is more pleasing and more familiar to the nature of the universe? How couldst thou thyself use thy ordinary hot baths, should not the wood that heateth them first be changed? How couldst thou receive any nourishment from those things that thou hast eaten, if they should not be changed? Can anything else almost (that is useful and profitable) be brought to pass without change? How then dost not thou perceive, that for thee also, by death, to come to change, is a thing of the very same nature, and as necessary for the nature of the universe?

    Read More
  • Praesent placerat risus quis eros

    From the fame and memory of him that begot me I have learned both shamefastness and manlike behaviour. Of my mother I have learned to be religious, and bountiful; and to forbear, not only to do, but to intend any evil; to content myself with a spare diet, and to fly all such excess as is incidental to great wealth. Of my great-grandfather, both to frequent public schools and auditories, and to get me good and able teachers at home; and that I ought not to think much, if upon such occasions, I were at excessive charges.

    Read More
  • Vestibulum auctor dapibus neque

    From the fame and memory of him that begot me I have learned both shamefastness and manlike behaviour. Of my mother I have learned to be religious, and bountiful; and to forbear, not only to do, but to intend any evil; to content myself with a spare diet, and to fly all such excess as is incidental to great wealth. Of my great-grandfather, both to frequent public schools and auditories, and to get me good and able teachers at home; and that I ought not to think much, if upon such occasions, I were at excessive charges.

    Let nothing be done rashly, and at random, but all things according to the most exact and perfect rules of art.

    Let opinion be taken away, and no man will think himself wronged. If no man shall think himself wronged, then is there no more any such thing as wrong.

    Read More
  • Text Styles

    You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength. The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts. Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth. Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one. Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together,but do so with all your heart. If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment. When you arise in the morning think of what a privilege it is to be alive, to think, to enjoy, to love …

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